Log in

No account? Create an account
Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile ScrapBook my other bloggy thingy
It’s cold outside today. Really fucking COLD.

Scissor Sisters is STILL stuck in my head, only now it’s not Filthy/Gorgeous but their dance cover of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. It’s an interesting song because, as one of my friends observes, “That’s a song I’d want to lay down and die to – not dance…”

Right now my life feels like a dance cover of Comfortably Numb. Not meaning that I have a drug problem or anything like that – but rather the dichotomy of the lyrics and the tone of the song. It’s a dance mix – something to keep you moving, keep you happy, keep you going. Then there’s the lyrics:

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

It means that despite feeling hollow inside, you keep going – keep up the dance and shit. Still move it with a groove.

At times I feel my depression is sickeningly close to coming back and the dance I do is just to keep it at bay – some weird kind of ritual in an effort to keep demons from my door. I think there are some who would tell me to embrace that depression – that the depression is really who I am, deep inside. But it’s not. Depression is NEVER a personality trait – or at least it shouldn’t be. It’s funny how that it does become, at times, an identifier. In high school, depression was all I knew, it was all that I was. I took pride in being the person that people talked to because that meant that I didn’t have to talk about my problems – it meant, in a small way, that I was STRONGER than anybody else because I was dealing with my depression, meaning I was just strong enough not to let it kill me.

Oooo – can you taste the angst?

But it takes more strength to get over your depression, really. And it’s never really gone. Old habits die hard and it takes more strength to deal with them on a daily basis. There are times, though, that I miss the pseudo-freedom that I had with depression. Not having to be aware of what I was thinking or feeling, just knowing that life sucked and I was sad. There was a kind of safety in knowing that. I miss the free fall of depression and it’s why watching movies like “Girl, Interrupted” is hard for me. But like the doctor said, “Am I sane, or am I crazy?” these ARE things you can control if you’re willing and strong enough to face them.

I have a feeling that the only reason I broke through my mental barrier was that I was too stubborn to give up. I knew that there was a better life ahead of me and I didn’t want to give up. I had gone half way and I wasn’t about to turn around. However, dealing with depression IS a day to day battle. You have to monitor yourself, your feelings, situations that you’re in, things that you’re doing. Am I bottling my emotions up or am I sharing them? Am I expressing myself or am I hiding what’s going on? Am I allowing myself to back down from things, resulting in my own hurt feelings? How can I succeed in this situation?

It sucks. I’m envious of people who don’t have to think like this everyday. I also get frustrated with people who would rather stay where they are instead of doing what is nessiscary to get better. And there’s nothing I can do for them – there’s nothing I can say that will help them break through their barriers. I’m reminded of the line from “Garden State” sometimes. “Sure – the drugs you take will help you, calm you down. But whatever it is inside of you will find a way to peek its little head out and you’ll have to deal with it.”

Some people are afraid of depression, but what I think they are REALLY afraid of is finding out what the cause of their depression IS. And getting over that fear is the hardest thing in the world to do. But once you’ve figured out what the cause is – the road to recovery is a hell of a lot easier.
First, I know of a Floyd song that is even better: Hey You. Only listen to it in the dark when you have a certain mindset, from what I have experienced. BUT ANYWAY....

Second, depression bites hairy goat balls left and right. The worst part is when you feel like you're so happy that you can't be brought down...then something or someone does bring you down. I have a small idea what causes mine, but I think I might be just barely scratching the surface. My problem is, I don't know how to search myself for what is wrong or what to look for once I have the method down.
Oh - I never said depression was FUN. I never said I LIKED depression, but there are times when I was depressed that I never felt so free.

As for finding the root of the problem, and methods to help said problem, that's what therapists are for. Now I don't mean a doctor who will just give you pills to numb you out, but someone who will help you wade through the shit. And I do mean a therapist and NOT a friend. They do know what they're talking about, really they do.

The problem is cash though - but I think more and more insurances are covering parts of therapy bills these days. I would have never gotten as far as I have with out the help of my therapist. She prodded me when I didn't want to be prodded, and helped me talk about things I didn't want to talk about. Friends are good to a point, but really - they can't beat a therapist.
I actually saw a therapist and psychologist from grade school to late in college. They helped somewhat, but the advice they gave me was either hit or miss. The one I had in high school was alright, but I think it was mostly for my ADHD, whichwas cool, but not the final solution.
Yeah, I saw some school psychs in elementary then I saw a therapist from 7th grade until I graduated, then sometimes when I was home from break.

See, it's not about the advice they give, it's how they help you through it. It's YOU working with THEM to find out how best to help you. Some avice might work, some may not. BUt the key is telling them, working with them. Just following advice, well, you could do that with friends. But talking to them about what's going on is a lot different.
I really thank you for writing about this right now.
is that scissor sisters with the guy with the pants and....THE LINE?? :P