March 1st, 2003

Dr. Bunny

(no subject)

I'm tired.

So damn tired.

I'm tired of being everybody's goddamn councelor. I'm tired of being the only person who's not passive. I'm tired of being the one to ask "hey, howsit going?" and not having it said to me.

I'm tired of being the stable one.

I'm tired of people thinking that I don't understand what they are going through because how the fuck would I know.

HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

You people don't know me at all, do you? Is it so damn hard to belive that I was madly depressed? That I wished to die every night when I went to bed? That I cried real tears of pain? That I was convinced that I was nothing, could do nothing, was not important enough to be considered part of society? Or that I spent nights awake laying in my bed at night thinking, always thinking, of ways it could have been. If only this, if only that, but never doing a damn thing.

Why won't you get to know who I am?

You don't belive me when I tell you what I went through. The years of therapy. The hours I spent crying infront of my therapist becuase I was finally MAKING my self get better. Because I knew it would be better for me. Becuase I was sick and tired of thinking that I was a horrible individual.

I was tired then.
I am tired now.
I'm starting to wonder if it was worth it.
Do all stable people go through this, or is there still something wrong with me?
How horribly egotisitcal of me to think that I could help you by confessing what I went through.
I should have known better. I've brought this on myself.

It's not that I hate being the councelor. It's not that I hate people. But do you know how frustrating it is for me to watch all of you sink deeper into your worlds of depression and drugs and delusion becuase every single one of you are afraid to take the nessisary risk envolved in getting better?

Sometimes I think you secretly like being depressed. It's easier than trying to make your self better.

Maybe I'll come and join you. Maybe there was a reason I was depressed for so long.

I'll sink down again, only after I find all the people I talked to in high school and appologize to them.

I was such a bitch. They must have been so tired.
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