July 23rd, 2003

Dr. Bunny


So after much deliberation I have decided to go to DefCon with Nick. We will be leaving next tuesday and be gone for about a week and a half. For those who don't know, DefCon is the hackers mecca. Admittedly, I know next to nothing about hackers. But I know that this will definitely be a learning experience, and I will enjoy watching the people and writing about them.

Anyways, being the good daughter that I am, wanting to keep my parents up to date with my plans so that they don't freak out on me (as all parents do when lack of communication occurs) I wrote them an email with my plans, telling them where I'll be, what I'll be doing, how to reach me. Both of them wrote back saying (inbetween the lines mind you, because good parents let their adult children make their own choices) that it was a horrible idea, I am being a complete job slackers, and I am totally not being an adult and I have no clue what it feels like to BE an adult. My parents are the Gods of Guilt Trips.

Okay, let's review my summer:
Left what I felt had been my home for the past four years in search of jobs. Everybody told me it was going to be hard, but I had grim determination to find something. For the past two and a half months I have scoured monster.com, sent out countless resumes, visited the places where I sent my resumes, sent out applications, followed up on my applications, dealt with rejection over and over again; not just in the writing world, but in the actual job market world. Apparently, there are thousands of people in this city who are just more suited to work than I am. Through this all I have kept my grim determination and I have been positive, but I have yet to find a job. I have been keeping on budget, and I actually have squared away some cash just in the case I was going to DefCon (which Nick has been pestering me to go to ever since he first met me). But the whole thing is I don't have a job.

Of course, perhaps I have been looking in all the wrong places. Perhaps I am just not suited for working in the professional world of business suits and cubicles. So I guess my next step is to start looking at one of the last jobs I had, which was hotel work. For six months I worked at the front desk of SNC's hotel. I was willing to work the crap weekend 3rd shift. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was hell on wheels. But at this moment, I really don't have a choice in the matter.

But I can tell you that working at a hotel, with my english degree proudly displayed on my bookshelf here at home feels like I am a cad. I look at my extended family and see a line of professionals. Can do people with important jobs. And then there's me. Hell, even my brother is what I would consider a professional. I know a job is a job and what pays the bills pays the bills, but at the same time, there is image involved, and I feel like I would be a great disapointment to my parents and my family if I took something that wasn't professional. I know that sounds really really stupid, probably conceted as well, but it's the truth. Feeling like a dissapointment to my parents has haunted me forever. I know that at times they are proud of me, but there have been so many times when they haven't that I feel that I owe them more that what I am, than who I am.

I guess I am more like my father than I thought. If I do something it has to be perfect right off the bat. If I write a novel, it has to be a best seller. If I get a job, it has to be an important job. If I do anything, it has to be the best, otherwise it's just not worth it. What a horrible horrible way to go through life.
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Dr. Bunny



I think I'm going to cry....

*starts to blare her comfort eagle CD*
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    blood rushing in my ears