August 12th, 2003

Dr. Bunny

Busy Busy Busy

What bokononists whisper whenever they think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is.

I finally feel somewhat better today. I had a lot of energy all day. I woke up early (to the sounds of my neighbors having sex. Wonderful.), took a nice long shower to get rid of all the skanky "I've been sleeping in my bed for three days straight" grime, put on a nice skirt and top, called Liz from the temp agency (she was out), went to the bank, went grocery shopping (which I abhor, and we will not discuss the bill), came home for a bit, then went to Lane Bryant to find some skirts and tops (which I found on sale, it was magnificent!)

I don't know, today I just feel good about myself. Sometimes that's really hard for me to do. I am not a very attractive person by social standers. I am very over weight, and I always have been. I was a fat child, a fat teen, and I'm becoming a fat adult. Now, I really do mean I'm fat. I don't mean oh my god, I'm 20 pounds heavier than Gwyneth Paltrow, I must be fat. No, I am really fat. I do carry it well, I am lucky to say, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I am twice the size of any typical female out there.

Looking at my reflection in the three way mirror today at Lane Bryant (something that I normally hate and avoid doing at all costs) made me really stop and think. I know I need to lose weight. I know it due to health reasons, physical reasons, and emotional reasons. I know I am not happy with my size. But while I'm trying to lose the weight, I should be happy with who I am. I know I have a good personality, why else would I have friends who care about me? I know I have charm, I can make anybody laugh and smile. I know that somewhere, deep down inside, I have potential to be anything I want; famous, beloved, simply loved by one man, a mother with a family, anything. I don't see the point in hating how I look while I'm trying to look more healthy. Eating right and exercising are not just to make my body toned and lean, it's to make me feel better about who I am. To say that "I am worth treating right. I am worth the effort to be healthy. I am worth it."

It's taken me a life time to be able to realize that I am a good person. There were years in my life where I couldn't say that, couldn't beleive that. It was so much easier to hate myself that to take the time to find out the good in me. I still have alot of troubles, I have my down days, I have my up days. It's a lot of work, being positive, being optimistic, being realistic. I remember being depressed. I remember crying in my therapist's office. I remember wishing I could just never wake up. I remember how hard it was to make the choice that I didn't want to do that any more.

Looking into the mirror today, I made another choice. I won't let my appearance hold me back. And while charm and charisma can only get me so far, treating my body with respect will get me even farther. The Mind, The Body, and the Soul are all hooked together. If one of them is out of whack, it effects the rest. Finding a balance between everything is key. It's not going to be easy. Nobody ever said it would. And I want the magic fairy to come down from the sky, tap me with her wand and make all this too too solid flesh melt away from my body, leaving me with the perfect figure, with natural curves that a woman should have. But that won't happen. For the rest of my natural life I will probably pray that she will come to me, even when I am down to my normal weight. We all want that magic fairy to solve everything in a heart beat. This is my heart beat now.

Anyways, like I said, busy busy busy...who knows what will happen. This could all be a lame ass attempt at lecturing myself, or it could be the truth. The machinery of life really is complicated....
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Dr. Bunny


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