December 4th, 2003

Dr. Bunny

Finding Balance

I am currently in the process of rearanging pretty much everything in my apartment. My living room is now all changed about. As a result, I now have A TON of space, it really opened up. My futon now faces the window so I can watch the world. I can watch the run rise, the sky change color, the birds fly from one naked tree to the next, and soon I'll be able to watch the snow fall as I listen to my christmas music.

Today I will work on getting rid of most of the clutter I have accumulated over the past few years. Notebooks that I keep for no reason, sheets that don't fit either of my beds, things I don't need yet can't seem to let go of for one reason or the next. I keep them because I think I need them, because they are ties to my past. But I have pictures and books and memories that take the place of things I should be throwing away. It's all a part of feeling balanced.

On Tuesday, Timmy called me as I was on the way to Adam and Kaela's to pick up my keys and drop off books (Once again, thank you very much guys for taking care of Sasha, it really means a lot to me!). So I drove from St. Paul to BC to pick Timmy up for lunch. We spoiled ourselves like libras tend to do and went to Copeland's. Afterwards we went and saw The Cat in the Hat over at Block E. Walking back to my car, with Timmy laughing and the buildings and theaters all around me, christmas music piping in from somewhere, I knew I was home, and that Minneapolis is where I belong.

So yesterday I cleaned for most of the day. At 7ish I picked up MA for some wonderful coffee conversations. We gossiped like two little old biddies...well, if little old biddies gossiped about boys and sex that is. We talked of relationships, of morals, of racy things we may have done if pressed to tell the truth, and laughed at where we are in our lives. I never would have guessed that at this point in my life I would actually be LIVING, having experineces, going out, meeting the people that I have, being who I want to be. It's a wonderful feeling.

After coffee and a quick run to the grocery store, we returned to MA's building and I went up to see Aldo. We actually addressed what we are, which is nothing but two people who have found something that works for them at the time being. I have no real attachment to the boy, and I like it that way. Is Aldo at all what I want in a real relationship? What I'm looking for in the end? Absolutly not. But right now, it's what I am looking for. Someone to sleep next to, someone to cuddle with, someone who at some level desires me for one reason or another. I know that there are boys who do love me, and I love them, but there's no mutual desire. For once, there is. It's a part of finding the balance.
  • Current Music
    Simple Birth - Various Artists