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My brother Tom has pointed out a fantastic program called Delicious Monster. I NEED this program.

First off, let me say that I would make a HORRIBLE Buddhist. I believe that she who dies with the most books WINS. I am very proud of my ever growing library which, at last count, has over 250 books. This is not nearly enough and I’m still missing books that I want and there are even more books out there which I haven’t even read yet, authors who I am not familiar with, stories that haven’t been told to me.

Books are my crack.

Also – I am almost anal retentive when it comes to cataloging my library. See, I like to count things. I like things to be in their place and accessible when needed (which seems rather crazy when you look at my home). But it’s true. I like to do inventories. I like to have things organized, and then I’ll organize them more. My computer files are a prime example of this – a folder for EVERYTHING, no file left behind! The map of my folders is like a map of my brain.

What Delicious Monster does is catalog your books, movies and cds for you. All you have to do is either scan or type in the barcodes and then Delicious Monster organizes them for you in a beautiful little layout. Oh so pretty. You can then sync this up to your PDA and take your library with you (good if you’re in a bookstore and can’t remember if you already have said book. But if you don’t know what books you own like you would your children, there is something seriously wrong with you). You can also share your library with your friends so if they wanted to borrow a book, they know what you have. Also – if you lend your book out to them, you can make a note of what book, when, and set a due date for it to be returned.

When Tom first showed this I became almost drunk with possibilities. All of my books, all of my movies, organized at the tips of my fingers. And I would get to enter each and every one of them myself. I was made for data entry.

The only problem that I can foresee is that Delicious Monster also recommends books and movies to you based off of your current library. This is bad. I already know I’m missing some books, but this tells me what I’m missing. This is feeding my addiction. This is dangling a needle in front of my face and saying “come on, just one more hit, it’ll be alright!” My addiction could lead to a scary library-esque version of Requiem For A Dream and I’ll either end up in some crazed orgy for books, lying curled up in a prison cell for smuggling books, withered up in a lunatic asylum because I’ve gone batshit crazy, or somehow lose an arm.

I am inches away from being a twilight zone episode.

So despite the fact that this is just enabling my addiction, I think I would really enjoy this program. Every time I come home from the bookstore I can see myself rushing to my computer and gleefully entering in the new barcode, giggling with mad pleasure because I’ve added one more book to my collection. Soon I’ll have too many books – I won’t have furniture, just books. In a freak accident I’ll be buried under an avalanche of Terry Pratchett and my body won’t be found for weeks. They’ll build a mausoleum out of the books that killed me.

Told you I’m a twilight zone episode.
Best. Article. Ever.