Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

~ "Going to California" Led Zeppelin

I promised a real post, and it's going to be a real long one. I really need to update this on a more regular basis so that I don't have to write such huge, dramatic, epic length posts. Probably if I did that, more people would read them instead of slugging through 10,000 words of "and then this happened." I'll try to do my best to make it seem interesting.

The Good
This past weekend was a blast.

On Saturday, Jonathan and I started at the Ferry Building here in the city. We got a few little truffles from two of the many confectioners located inside and also some amazing bread from Acme. We then walked up to Fisherman's Wharf and had dinner at Boudin - some calamari and clam chowder bread bowls. We then beat feet over to Ghiradelli's square to catch a cable car back to Powell Station. As we were leaving, the sun was setting, lighting up the whole Bay, turning Alcatraz into a salmon color. It was an amazing view. Once at Powell, we caught a showing of Doomsday over in the westfield mall. It's everything a post apocalyptic movie should be. Silly, filled with violence and gore, and doesn't take itself too seriously. Fantastic.

Sunday was spent with Jonathan's family. HIs mom sings with a woman's choir and they had a concert over at St. Mary's. So it was me, Jonathan, Jonathan's brother Brandon, his boyfriend Devon, and his Dad in attendance. IT was a very fun choir, great music, and then we went and had a wonderful dinner, sharing all of our food with each other. Afterwards, the four of us youngins played SSBB for about three hours. I can kick some major ass with Kirby but I don't know exactly how I do it. Button mashing for the win.

Overall, it was a great weekend, and it was something I definitely needed considering what else that has been going on in my life.

The Bad
Fred, my mighty of mighty trucks, is no longer mighty.

The Saturday before I left for Green Bay, I was driving him home from Pleasant Hill and all of a sudden he started making HORRIBLE noises. By the time I got him back to my apartment, he was shaking. Not a good sign. Last week I got him to a shop and they found out that a piston blew and cracked something in the engine. They quoted me a price to get a rebuild engine from Ford for $5,500.

Ouch.

I managed to drive Fred back to my place (Jonathan was tailing me and said he could see Fred shaking whenever we stopped at a light) and now he's sitting in the garage while we figure out what we're going to do. I could get a new used car for $5,500, or we could try to find a better price. IN the meantime, I'm carless. Now, san francisco is not the most horrible of places to be carless - I can get to work, I can get to Jonathan's, I can even get to some groc stores (although carrying groceries on the M line would kind of suck), but I feel so confined, so helpless.

I miss driving like you wouldn't believe.

The Ugly
As I found out the day before I left for Chicago/Green Bay, New College lost its accreditation. However, the good news to that is that they did find another college to host our program so that we can do the teach out option. This means that I could concievably finish my degree, with my cohort, and have it be worth more than the paper it's printed on.

They also need me to recreate my portfolio and send them new transcripts from my undergrad. THe problem with my portfolio is that they are asking for an academic paper. I haven't written an academic paper in over four years and all the ones that I wrote for SNC were lost when my old lap top took a tumble. So now I have to recreate one. It's been a while....anybody got any great ideas for a critical theory paper? I've got a shit ton of books....

However, with all this chaos going on, I've been really thinking about my path and place at New COllege. While I love my fellow cohorts and my instructors, I don't know exactly what an MFA from New College (or, rather, The California Institute of Integral Studies) would really do for me, career wise. It hit me the other day that I'm turning 27 in seven months and I don't have a career. I know that English needs to be part of my life in order for me to be happy, and right now it's not part of my life. I like working at Salt House, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's not something I could be truly happy doing. I'd like to try teaching, but my program doesn't offer teaching fellowships or internships. This is a slight problem.

So what I'm looking into and thinking about is transfering or applying to a different college. St Mary's has an MFA program in creative writing as well as teaching fellowships/internships. I know that there are other schools in the bay area that offer them as well. Where I worry is that sure - I got into New College, yeah, BUT THAT SCHOOL NO LONGER EXISTS. I mean, yay I got in, but what does that say for me trying to get into another college? What if I am giving up on a sure thing for colleges that will take a look at me and go "eh, you're not good enough, sorry." I don't know what to do. I could continue with New College, have the degree, and then what? It's really scary at this point. I feel very....adrift.

***

Last week I wanted to throw a tempertantrum. I wanted to pound my hands and feet on the ground and wail and moan and cry. My car is dead, my whole purpose for moving out to San Francisco fell through the cracks, I'm almost 30 and don't have a career, I haven't been writing; I felt like a total failure. I knew I could handle what was on my plate but I didn't WANT to HAVE to handle it. I wish it didn't happen and I wished that, for just a little while, things could have gone my way instead of the cosmic forces in the world laughing and causing a shit storm to rain down on me.

If I didn't know better, I would swear I was being cursed.

But, on the plus side, if someone IS cursing me, isn't there something that says that whatever you do expect it to come back to you three fold or something? So, if someone did do this to me, it's only gonna fuck them up but good. That kind of makes me warm and squishy inside, even though I know no one is doing this to me. It's just karma.

***
So that's that. Life is going alright, it's just a little chaotic. I know I'll work through it and make it work, I'll sparkle and shine like a diamond and come out on top, and hey - no writer ever lived a quiet life, so I can use all this eventually in my writing, right?

RIGHT.