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Today, instead of doing all those things I was going to do, I loafed around the house in my bathrobe watching America's Next Top Model and chatting with people on AIM. By the time to leave for Dr. Carol's rolled around I was actually pretty damn sick of myself, but I also really needed the rest. It was awesome.

Today marks the 4th month I've been on New Direction. It's been a very interesting time. I've found when I get anxious, stressed, or upset I have food dreams in which I am eating something then stop myself. "No! I can't have this yet! It'll screw things up!" Last night I dreamt I was at a buffet and was picking out the foods I COULD eat (chicken, salad, raw veggies) but when I got to the table it turned to french fries and steak. I was eating a salad and then noticed it had creamy ranch dressing. I hate those dreams because I'm not even letting myself ENJOY the food. How crazy is that? Even my subconscious won't let me break this diet.

I lost 3.5lbs this week. According to my graph I'm actually behind in the 3.5 a week average. I'm not upset by this because it comes back to mathematics. As I lose weight it takes less calories for my body to maintain my current weight, thus my weight loss slows down.

Weight loss and weight maintenance comes from a balance of calorie intake and expenditure. I could get back to the 3.5 average by exercising more. Adding exercise is a goal of mine because when I get back to eating healthy I should also be living healthy. Building a good exercise routine is important in this. I still go to tai chi 2 times a week, but I think that I should also start adding more to my schedule. Even if it's just walking a treadmill 2 or 3 times a week for 20 or 30, it's still burning calories and building a good habit. I may not get back to the 3.5lbs average, but I'll be gaining a lot more muscle, tone, and health. All of these are good things for a healthy life style.

The 3.5 loss this week brings me to a total of 60.5lbs loss in 4 months. I've over halfway to my goal of losing 100lbs. Each week on this diet I have lost SOME weight. As the weeks have gone by, my focus has shifted from "how can I keep losing weight?" to "what does this MEAN for me?" I may not have written about that here (in fact, all my posts are just about the weight I've lost) but I've been thinking about it a lot.

As my body gets smaller I am finding I can move more, bend more, walk faster and farther and just feel better. I feel proud that I've stuck to this for so long and have been succesful, even if I am still overweight. Every pound I've loss has put me into a healthier life. It's taken years off my knees and my heart. I like that people do notice the fact that I am losing weight and that people are finding me an inspiration. It feels weird to hear that, like when Jennifer at work told me how when she wants to break her diet and eat a pizza, she thinks about how I haven't had ANY pizza in months and that she can go a night with out it. Or how Sara (no 'H'!) has seen my weekly fish updates and has used that in her own LJ.

I've found my own inspiration in my parents who have lost over 100lbs EACH on this diet, and with my friend Abby who looks just AMAZING every time I get to see her. These are strong people doing amazing things with their lives. I am so very proud of them and the progress they have made. Their success has contributed to my own success. And everybody - all of my friends, coworkers and people here on LiveJournal - have been so supportive of my choice to do this and the progress I have been making.

I still have more to talk about - my worries about when I come back to eating food, concerns I have about eating habits and how it will be taken in society, but I'll save that for another day. This has been a long post and for anybody who has read all of it - I thank you. I thank you for letting me share this with you all, for being supportive and just being there.

Also - seeing how it's been 4 months - does anybody out there have any QUESTIONS about how I've been doing on this diet? Anything they would like to know that I haven't talked about? Please, ask away if you do!

And, to conclude - a picture of a 60lbs fish:

What the hell diet are you on that you are losing so much weight? Cause I need to kick a puppy and get myself on that diet!