Megmander (fantom07) wrote,

The more things change the more they stay the same

Even though money is getting a bit tight, I ordered this shirt today because I think it's a fitting reminder of who I am. I don't get the leading man at the end of the movie (although I might get his sidekick). I do, however, get to scene steel like a mofo, deliver some of the best lines, and probably be more emotionally sound than the leading lady.

It's frustrating to know that even 100 pounds loss doesn't make me any more appealing to boys. I still have my aggressive personality. I'm still independent, almost to a fault. I don't drag my problems on the ground like a lame wing triggering the "injured animal" mechanism most guys seem to have. But then, I don't know how to play this game. Everybody else has had a lot more practice and I don't think I'm even on the same board. They're playing Risk, with multitudes of plastic roman numerals scattered across the better part of Asia and Europe, completely neglecting the southern hemisphere (even though Australia is the best place to start). Meanwhile, I think I'm playing Parcheesi which almost nobody knows about so I'm left alone, rolling the dice in the cardboard cup just to hear that sweet and hollow sound while I move my little wooden pieces across a board that few people recognize.

I was disillusioned to think that things would be different. It still doesn't deter me from my weight loss goal because my health is more important to me. But it's a sad realization that there is, I suppose, something fundamentally UN-DATABLE about me. I'm not compassionate enough. I'm not serious enough. Maybe I'm too smart or too outgoing. Or too loud or too abrasive. Perhaps I'm too open or maybe I'm too closed up.

• But I'm not going to help people I have a crush on date my friends. I don't need that pain.

• I'm not going to wallow in self pity. Consider this my 24 hours of bitterness. I'll be great this time tomorrow.

• I'm not giving up but I'm seeing things in a new light.

• Who wants to play parcheesi with me? It's an excellent game and you get to count a lot.
Tags: boys, nature of being, relationships
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