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Even though money is getting a bit tight, I ordered this shirt today because I think it's a fitting reminder of who I am. I don't get the leading man at the end of the movie (although I might get his sidekick). I do, however, get to scene steel like a mofo, deliver some of the best lines, and probably be more emotionally sound than the leading lady.

It's frustrating to know that even 100 pounds loss doesn't make me any more appealing to boys. I still have my aggressive personality. I'm still independent, almost to a fault. I don't drag my problems on the ground like a lame wing triggering the "injured animal" mechanism most guys seem to have. But then, I don't know how to play this game. Everybody else has had a lot more practice and I don't think I'm even on the same board. They're playing Risk, with multitudes of plastic roman numerals scattered across the better part of Asia and Europe, completely neglecting the southern hemisphere (even though Australia is the best place to start). Meanwhile, I think I'm playing Parcheesi which almost nobody knows about so I'm left alone, rolling the dice in the cardboard cup just to hear that sweet and hollow sound while I move my little wooden pieces across a board that few people recognize.

I was disillusioned to think that things would be different. It still doesn't deter me from my weight loss goal because my health is more important to me. But it's a sad realization that there is, I suppose, something fundamentally UN-DATABLE about me. I'm not compassionate enough. I'm not serious enough. Maybe I'm too smart or too outgoing. Or too loud or too abrasive. Perhaps I'm too open or maybe I'm too closed up.

• But I'm not going to help people I have a crush on date my friends. I don't need that pain.

• I'm not going to wallow in self pity. Consider this my 24 hours of bitterness. I'll be great this time tomorrow.

• I'm not giving up but I'm seeing things in a new light.

• Who wants to play parcheesi with me? It's an excellent game and you get to count a lot.
*hugs* Men suck. And I'm sure you'll find one who doesn't.

And hey, just think of it this way -- I'm currently dealing with a possessive, controlling, unstable EX boyfriend who cheated on me, doesn't want to be with me (he initiated the breakup), but is mad that I've started to think about dating again, and is blaming me for the fact that he's feeling totally shitty right now (he claims that I'm feeling better because he let me lean on him -- which of course "ruined his chances" of being with the girl who he cheated on me, is the reason why he is doing shitty this term, etc. According to him, everything bad in his life right now is my fault. I couldn't actually be feeling better because I LET GO and STOPPED RELYING ON HIM EMOTIONALLY. NO, NOT AT ALL). Also, who "punishes" me for changing my top friends on myspace (to all scientists, by the way -- I had my friend Phil as my #1 friend as a completely tongue-in-cheek thing, and he FLIPPED OUT) by putting me on facebook limited profile (real mature for a 26 year old, eh?).

Would you want that? The correct answer is "no."

I do hope you find someone, but I hope when you find someone, that someone is GOOD. I also apologize if I just used your journal as rantspace (I actually deleted about half of what I wrote because I realized what I was doing :-P), but I guess my point is that dating can be extremely drama inducing, time consuming, and tiring, and that I hope that you get to skip all that. May you find someone who deserves you as much as you deserve him.