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I realized that I haven't been posting updates on my weight loss since moving here. For those interested - yes, I am still on New Direction! I've been going to the weekly classes in Davis every Thursday. Right now I weight about 180 some pounds, it's hard to say for sure because my daily morning weight is different than my official weekly weight, and that has to do with some of the following:

I've plateaued this week in weight loss, according to the doctor's scale. Actually, it said I gained .1 lbs, so it's probably water weight but there are other factors. The past week was hard for me to adhere strictly to my supplement. I found myself having some salads and chicken that work gives us for free (perks of working at a restaurant). I had some of the dessert when they brought it down to my broom closet office. Also - my water intake hasn't been steady. While I'm still getting over the 2 quarts of water every day, it's been more along the lines of one liter during work and then three when I get home. Plus, this past week I didn't do NEARLY enough walking to earn any of those extra calories I consumed. All of these things have lead me to my plateau.

I'm probably about 20 pounds away from my goal and that means I will soon be starting the realimentating process (hopefully). What I'm finding, though, is that the closer I am to my goal, the harder it is to stay on track. It's been nine months on this diet and I am sick - sick sick SICK - of the supplement. Well, not sick, but very bored. However, I know that if I can just stick it out one or two more months I'll be just fine. Probably even 10 weeks if I can continue to motivate myself to make better choices.

And that's what it comes down to. This week I have chosen to adhere strictly to the diet - no extra food, even if I've earned it by exercise. Once I made that decision, I found myself feeling better about my situation. I felt more in control. I know that I can handle this, I know I feel better when I go out and walk for two hours (like Kevin and I did today) and I feel better when I make the conscious choice that I will not let my old habits rule over me. I can change my behavior. I may not be able to change my genetics, but I can work with that I have using the skills that I have learned and are learning.

Being in this new body is such a change for me. I have never - EVER - been at a point in my life where my body could be considered "normal." I have no memories of being anything but the overweight kid. When I was in Davis on Wednesday and Thursday, I went shopping with my friend Sara. We went to Macy's and just tried on dresses. I tried on a TWELVE. I tried on a fabulous dress of which I love and it FIT FIT FIT. It gave me a waist! It showed off my shoulders! I was amazed!

We also went to Old Navy where, according to them, I AM A TEN. And I wear a medium in shirts. What. The. Hell. When I look in a mirror I don't see it. When I hold up the pair of pants I think to myself "nope, sorry, not gonna fit me." When I catch my reflection in a store window I do a double take because my ass is not out to next week, my legs actually have some shape, and my arms are not useless bags of flab. I don't know this body any more.

But I do know that my body carries me farther when I walk. I know that my legs can push me faster when I run - that I CAN run. I know that I am healthier, prettier, and more confidant in what I know I can do. It's a very, very weird but very, very good.
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's a very, very weird but very, very good.

I can't even imagine what it must be like. How strange to be one way your entire life and then suddenly, over the course of a year, take on a whole new form. Do you ever wonder if it's really real?
I know it's real but it's really hard for me to processes it all. Like, I feel, well, not quite guilty for wearing smaller clothes, but more along the lines of paranoid that I'm trying to shove 20lbs of sausage into a 5lbs casing.

Like today I asked my roommate if I looked alright and not like a fat girl trying to wear skinny girl clothes. You know what I mean - the girls who are desperatly trying to wear smaller clothes but they end up oozing out of the shirts and pants. Sure, the clothes are cute but the fashion is missing. I dispise those girls and would hate to be like one of them, trying vainly to ignore the fact that they do have a bit of flub around the middle and it's now spilling over their jeans and onto innocent bystanders.

So my roommate just replied back to me "Um, hun? There is no fat girl here..."

In my mind I am still fat because it's the only thing I've ever known. Slowly that's changing but it's going to be a loooooooooooooooooooooong process.
beware of old navy! their sizes are deceiving! i have an awesome pair of size twelve cargos from them that I got when I was a 14. They like to make people feel better about their size so they'll come back and buy more :P