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All writers are liars. Erasmus Fry

It was in highschool that I first started to learn a very important skill. How to bullshit essays. Now, this may seem like an easy lesson to learn. In fact, almost anybody can bullshit on an essay, it's really not that hard. You simply take an idea, pad around it like none other and add quotes like there's no tomorrow. You can get a passing grade on the paper with little to no time spent on writing it. Just make sure your margins are even, spelling and grammar correct, and that you've used proper MLA format*.

So what makes a GOOD bullshit essay? This I didn't really learn to do until college. Being the procrastinator that I am, I would hold off on doing my papers until around midnight the night before it was due. Then I would look over my scribbled notes (Dr. Myers has that gross thing on his lip. Holy Crap is Father Jay hot. Please god, let that annoying bitch shut up), realize they were worthless, and try to remember what my professor had made points about over and over again on the text. From this, I could usually figure out WHAT my professor really wanted me to argue, argue that, use my own unique voice, and turn it in, unproofread with spelling mistakes up the wazoo. Despite those errors, I never failed to get less than a C, and those were always for the little errors. Professors LOVED my essays.

Bullshitting goes beyond highschool and college though. Every book you read is, on some level, bullshit. Writers are liars, notorious horrible liars**. That's why we call it FICTION. But it extends into non fiction as well. Zoe Trope just sold her high school diary and it's doing wonders. Why? Because it's all one big lie. We readers want that to be our lives, we want her experiences to be our experiences. We only wish that we could be as wonderfully angsty as Ms. Trope was in her high school days. But we can't, Zoe's lying to us. No doubt that the things that happened to her in the book actually happened, but they didn't happen the way she told us they did. She padded them, she shaped them, she turned them into little money makers.

Instead of writing "Sometimes I really just need to shut up before I get in trouble. I am a bit more smarter than my classmates and it ostracizes me." she writes "Wise to listen, not to speak...Greek roots fail to teach me new words. Sometimes it helps. Iconoclastic. He asked for an expample. I said Sinead O'Connor. No one else knew what I was talking about."

Which sentence sells more books?

So writers are liars, we now understand this. But what makes a GOOD writer is someone who BELIEVES their lie, that's the important part. I could be lying right now, in fact I am, but you as readers are believing me because I sound so gosh darn convincing. I believe my own lie, and that makes you believe it too. Every thing you read is a lie, but you believe it because the writer believes it and you WANT to believe it too. Fantasy books we know are lies, but that still doesn't stop us from wanting to go on a journey with Sam and Frodo. I grew up reading Anne McCaffrey's Pern series, and let me tell you, I spent nights wishing that I would wake up and have a dragon in my room. We read Please Don't Kill the Freshman and believe it because we desperately need to believe it. We need someone else in our corner who's highschool years sucked as bad as ours***

What I'm trying to say here is that I am a liar, but up until now, I don't think I honestly believed my lies. I had a lot of doubt that no one else would believe them either. Now I've realized that if I simply don't care and write what I want and honestly believe that I'm correct, then hot dam! I think I might just have a career.

*I currently believe that there is no such thing as "proper MLA format." It simply doesn't exist. What one teacher will claim is correct, another with refuse to read. Even The Holt Handbook, the bible of college students everywhere, seems to have it incorrect, and keeps changing it every year. Of course, this may simply be a ploy to get poor college students to shell out $60 bucks every new term.

** Don't believe me? Look at some of those early cave drawings and try tell me that giant elk REALLY roamed the earth. I don't care about if there ARE fossil records, those cave dwellers LIED to us.

***For the record, Zoe Trope ditched out on her last year, preferring to graduate a year early. Some people may call her a "quitter," refusing to put up with another year of agonizing torture, but then, that's just me being bitter. I could have done the same thing, I just chose not to (no, I really am not lying here).
 
 
 
 
 
 
Agreed on all counts (and I'm not lying)...
Dr. Myers...*shudder*...
I agree on all accounts. I also could have graduated a year earlie, but I choose to TA for four classes instead of sitting through classes I hated.
I give it a "C" or may be a "B". Unlike you responsible geeks, I could have the credits to graduate now but I spent half of junior high stoned. In that time I took a few high school classes but, in true stoner fashion, didn't do anything in them. Since then, I've just been resisting the urge towards apathy and drug use (the latter not too successfully) and being a general fuck-up. Yeah, that's my junior/high school career in a nutshell.
I couldn't get the email to send so I'm leaving you directions to the party here:

Sorry these are so late:

494 east
77/cedar south all the way to Apple Valley

Now it gets a little sketchy:

Take a left at the first set of lights past the movie theater, and then an immediate right into the parking lot for their apartment complex ("Mystic Cove" or some such nonsense). Drive forward and around one 90 degree turn and continue until you would make another 90 degree turn. Their building is on that corner. They have a directory next to their buzzer. Steph's last name is Blyndenburgh.

I'm an idiot. I found their address and a map off of the evite.

7486 157th St. West - Apt. 216, Apple Valley, MN

map:

http://makeashorterlink.com/?L21B25666