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First off: I did enjoy this movie. It wasn't great or mind boggling, but it was interesting how they told the story. I probably just could have stayed home and watched Braveheart, Gladiator, and Lord of the Rings and had the same effect, but it was well done. However, it did cry out for abridging.

Now this is my first time abridging a movie, so be nice, but I hope you guys enjoy. Yes, there are spoilers, but with this movie, you already know what's going to happen. Really, you do.


Prologue - A field somewhere
Narrator: I'm going to tell you a lot of history now. It's your job to pay attention and takes notes because there will be a quiz on this later.
Young Lancelot: Um, Dad? These guys are here for me...
Dad: Shit boy, what did you do?
Young Lancelot: Well...was born I guess...
Dad: Didn't you pay attention to the narrator?
Young Lancelot: No...
Dad: *sighs* Okay, well, off you go to fight for Rome. Be a man about it and take the horse.
Young Lancelot: Oh cool! A horse!
Dad: And pay attention to this - horses were once knights who died in battle, okay? Remember that - DIED IN BATTLE. So this horse, this horse right here, used to be a knight, a knight like you're going to become. And that knight died in battle.
Young Lancelot: Right Dad. Horse. Died in Battle. Became a Knight.
Dad: *sighs*
Little Girl of No Importance: LANCELOT! WAIT!
Young Lancelot: What?
Little Girl of No Importance: Here, take this with you!
Young Lancelot: What is it? Some token that will remind me of home and become a symbol for myself and my journey, much like the thistle in Braveheart?
Little Girl of No Importance: Um...no...it's just pretty.
Young Lancelot: Oh, okay.

Scene One: Britain, 15ish years later
Bors: Hey guys, see that carriage, it has the Bishop in it.
Not Oded Fehr: Hey Arthur, did anybody tell you that you like like Russell Crowe?
Not Russell Crowe: I know, they wanted him to play this, but he said it was too much like Gladiator.
Bors: Guys? Bishop? Over there?
Not Russell Crowe: And Tristan? Those tattoos of yours make you look like the guy from The Mummy.
Not Oded Fehr: You know, I think more people know him than know me...By the by, Lancelot? You sure look like Prince.
Not Prince: Really? You think so?
Bors: Hello! HELLOOOOOOOO!
Not Oded Fehr: Totally. 'Cept you're taller
Not Prince: Why thank you!
Bors: Hey guys? Let's get back to the plot.
Not Russell Crowe: You're right Bors. And hey, don't get your panties in a bunch just 'cause you don't look like anybody famous.
Tristan and Lancelot: Yeah!
Bors: *sighs*
Not Russell Crowe: But yes, that slow moving carriage guarded by a scant number of men that are riding with out much cover does indeed carry the Bishop who will set us free. We'll just sit here and wait. Nothing can go wrong.
Woads: ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!
Audience: Hey cool! Elves!
Woads: WE'RE NOT BLOODY ELEVES!
Audience: Whatever.....
Romans: AAAAAAAAAUGH! WE MUST PROTECT THE BISHOP!
Roman 1: Which one's the Bishop?
Roman 2: I'm the Bishop!
Roman 3: No! I am!
Woads: WE KEEEEEEEEEEEEELL YOU!!!
Knights: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

*a good 10 minutes of nice and bloody sword fighting and killing. 15 men kill about 50. And they said this was based on fact...*

Not Russell Crowe: Well that was fun.
Bors: Yeah *points inside wagon* But the Bishop is dead.
Dagonet: How are we gonna explain this one?
Not Russell Crowe: Simple, he's not the Bishop.
Knights: *GASP!*
Audience: *GASP!*
Not Russell Crowe: HE'S THE BISHOP! *points*
Not Sean Connery: Hahhahha. Good job Arthur. Yes, it is I, the Bishop.
Not Russell Crowe: Why not Sean Connery?
Not Sean Connery: Because he can't speak in any other accent except Scottish.

Scene 2: By The Great Wall of Britain
Bors: I'm going to make a crude penis joke.
Not Prince: You do that.
Bors: No, really I am. It's a crude penis joke.
Not Oded Fehr: I'm sure it is.
Bors: *sighs* I wish I looked like someone famous.
Galahad: Don't feel bad Bors. We don't look like anybody famous either.
Gawain: Yeah, but we do look cute together, so millions of fan girls are going to write slash about us.
Bors: *cries* I want slash fic written about me!
Galahad: Trust me Bors, YOU DON'T.

Scene 3: Inside The Great Wall of Britain
Not Sean Connary: So Arthur, let me sit down at the head of the tab...WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Not Russell Crowe: You like it? It's round!
Not Sean Connary: I can bloody well see that! Where am I going to sit so people know how important I am!??!?!
Not Russell Crowe: Um, next to me?
Not Sean Connary: Alright. Oh, and before I begin, you guys are all Catholic, right?
Knights: Ummmm
Not Sean Connary: What? Wiccans?!?!!
Knights: PAGANS YOU IDIOT! BIG DIFFERENCE!
Not Sean Connary: Okay, fine. Anyways, Rome is leaving Britain. It's a waste of time and space and island property just isn't selling well these days. So all that fighting you did, well, it was kind of pointless now wasn't it? Now you boys scurry off and practice your heathen religion. Go sacrifice something, will you? I need to talk to Arthur alone.
Not Russell Crowe: We have no secrets.
Not Sean Connary: *the glare of death*
Not Prince: Okay, fine, we're just going to go now...*knights leave*
Not Sean Connary: Okay, I know you had your heart set on being free, but we have one more mission for you. You must rescue this Snotty Roman guy who lives up north in Elf - I mean Woad country.
Not Russell Crowe: Why?
Not Sean Connary: Because the pope has this thing for the guy's son. I mean, I would to! His ass is soooooooooooo tight and he's ---
Not Russell Crowe: STOP! Just Stop. Fine, my men and I will go and get him.
Not Sean Connary: Oh, and the Orcs - I mean Saxons are invading too.
Not Russell Crowe: Shit.

Scene 4: Somewhere up north
Audience: Hey cool, Orcs!
Saxons: WE'RE NOT BLOODY ORCS!
Audience: Whatever...
Not Marlon Brando: I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor...
Uppity Son: Wrong movie Dad.
Not Marlon Brando: Oh right. Anyways, where was I?
Uppity Son: Talking to your troops of Saxons.
Not Marlon Brando: Right. Don't breed with these people. And let's get down there and burn everything in site.
British Spy for the Saxons: The man has expanded my miiiiiiiiind...

Scene 5: The Great Wall of Britain
Not Russell Crowe: Hey guys, I hate to inturrupt your drinking, but we're not free yet.
Bors: What? But I gots me a family!
Galahad: And I have all these plans people keep talking about
Gawain: And I was going to marry a girl from home!
Dagonet: Rock on! I might get a role in this movie yet!
Not Russell Crowe: Yeah, I'm sorry, but we have to.
Knights: Shit.

Scene 6: A Stable
Not Russell Crowe: Almighty Father, maker of heaven and earth, why do you do this to me?
Not Prince: Because you're a bad bad naughty Commander.
Not Russell Crowe: Oh, um, hi Lancelot, I know what this looks like...
Not Prince: Oh I know what this looks like! YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME WITH GOD AGAIN! How many nights have I stayed awake in bed waiting for you, yet knowing that you were with...with...WITH THAT DEITY!
Not Russell Crowe: Com'on baby, it's not like that at all...
Not Prince: I just don't trust a God that makes you get on your knees...
Not Russell Crowe:...but...but that's the best part...
Not Prince: *pouts* It's either him or me! *flounces out*
Not Russell Crowe: *sighs* No luvin for me tonight...
Audience: Slash-TASTIC!

Scene 7: North Side of the Great Wall of Britain
Bors: Hey, the grass IS greener!
Dagonet: Oh shut up.
Bors: So I think when we're done with this, I'm going to get married to the mother of my children.
Galahad: Aww, that's great!
Bors: And then I'll give them names.
Gawain: Oh for cute! Name one after me?
Not Prince: Yeah, Gawain Jr. HAH!
Bors: No, really, I love my kids.
Dagonet: You know, you shouldn't talk so much about them.
Bors: Why?
Dagonet: Because the more you talk about your family, the more likely you are to get killed.
Bors: *chuckles*
Dagonet: Why is that so funny?
Bors: Ask me in a couple of scenes...

Scene 8: Out Side The Snotty Roman's House
Not Russell Crowe: Okay you snotty Roman, let's go. The Orcs - I mean Saxons are coming to kill you.
Snotty Roman: No! I won't! *pouts*
Not Russell Crowe: Oh fuck that, you're coming or I'll drag you behind my horse.
Snotty Roman: *sniffles* Fine, but I'm going to make sure you're punished for following orders!
Not Russell Crowe: I could kill you now and make it look like an accident.
Snotty Roman: *soils his toga* We'll go. SLAVES! Get back to work, I'm going on vacation and some nice Orcs - I mean Saxons are coming to visit you.
Not Russell Crowe: Slaves my ass! They're coming with us and coming as free men. Say...what's in that room you are trying to hide?
Snotty Roman: What room? *shuffles sandles*
Not Russell Crowe: The one you are trying to brick up...Dagonet, go break it down.

Scene 9: Inside Torture Chamber
Not Russell Crowe: What in God's Name??!?!?
Evil Monk: That's exactly what we're doing. We're torturing these people in the name of the Father.
Not Prince: Damn Arthur, God's teh kink!
Not Russell Crowe: No! God is good and just! What the hell are you doing here? Oh fuck this noise...
*Arthur, Lancelot and Dagonet go about killing bad monks and setting victims free.*
Dagonet: Awww, a little boy! I will take him home and love him and feed him and hold him and call him my own!
Not Prince: Whoa, check out the babe!
Not Russell Crowe: Come with me, I'll take care of you.
Not Prince: What do we do with the others?
Not Russell Crowe: let them die.

Scene 10: Inside the sick tent
Dagonet: Awww, this boy's arm is broken!
Not Russell Crowe: Elf - I mean Woad girl, your fingers are broken, I'm going to fix them for you.
Not Kate Winslet: *takes it like a man* My name is Guinevere.
Not Russell Crowe: Yeah? Sure you're not Kate Winslet? And how come you can speak our language perfectly even though all previous scenes with Elves - I mean Woads - have them speaking in a different tongue?
Not Kate Winslet: Oh shut up.
Dagonet: I will take care of this poor boy who has no family. *I* will be his family.
Bors: *chuckles*
Dagonet: What's so funny?
Bors: Ask me in a few scenes...

Scene 11: Outside the Snotty Roman's house
Not Marlon Brando: We must kill them. We must incinerate them.
Uppity Son: Wrong movie dad.
Not Marlon Brando: Right, right. Where were we?
Uppity Son: We're going after Arthur.
Not Marlon Brando: Okay, you go after them to the east. We'll go south to the wall and meet up there.
British Spy for the Saxons: That's dialectic physics.

Scene 12: On the Road
*Arthur makes eyes at Guinevere*
*Lancelot makes eyes at Guinevere*
*Guinevere makes eyes at Lancelot*
*Arthur makes eyes at Lancelot*
Not Russell Crowe: Dibs.
Not Prince: Fuck you.

Scene 13: The woods
Not Kate Winslet: Arthur, follow me.
Not Russell Crowe: Sweet! Sex in the woods!
Merlin: Hi Arthur.
Not Russell Crowe: Deceiving Bitch!
Merlin: No, she's really quite useful. Let's have a pow wow and we'll help you defeat the orcs - I mean Saxons.

Scene 14: The campground
Snotty Roman: alright guys, GET 'EM!
*Snotty Roman's gaurds attack Dagonet. Snotty Roman grabs cute little kid*
Snotty Roman: One more move and the kid gets it.
Dagonet: I KEEL YOU!
Snotty Roman: HAH like you could!
*arrow hits Snotty Roman*
Not Kate Winslet: Oops, my bad.
Knights: Whaa?
Not Russell Crowe: We're going home, and the Elves - I mean Woads are cool with us now.

Scene 15: A lake of ice
Not Russell Crowe: Well shit...can't go over it?
Not Oded Fehr: Nope.
Not Russell Crowe: Can't go under it?
Not Oded Fehr: Nope.
Not Russell Crowe: Cant go around it?
Not Oded Fehr: Nope.
Not Russell Crowe: *sighs* Guess we'll have to walk across it...
Whole Caravan: *sings* going on a bear hunt...
Not Russell Crowe: Oh just shut up and walk across. Wait...
Not Oded Fehr: What?
Not Russell Crowe: The ice is breaking...this is bad...
Galahad: It does suck...
Not Russell Crowe: Well, you guys wanna fight it out? The Orcs - I mean Saxons are right behind us.
Knights: YEAH! LET'S FIGHT!
Not Russell Crowe: Okay, caravan, keep going. Knights, you stay here. We'll shoot them full of arrows.
Not Kate Winslet: Me too!
Not Prince: Bitch
Not Kate Winslet: Fag.

*Orcs - I mean saxons come. Arrows go flying. Many shots of ice falling apart, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO BREAK THE ICE!!*

Dagonet: Well bugger this for a game of soldiers! *runs across the ice and hits it with his axe. Ice breaks, orcs - I mean saxons fall into the ice or run away. Uppity son glares at Not Kate Winslet who fails to hit him with an arrow. Dagonet gets hit by enemy fire*
Not Russell Crowe: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Knights: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dagonet: Shit, should have never taken the kid...*dies*

Scene 16: The Great Wall of Britain
Not Sean Conary: Yay! You're back with the sex toy - I mean sex boy - I mean the Pope's toy - I mean
Not Russell Crowe: Shut the fuck up you jackass
Not Prince: We hate you. A LOT. *hands out the dismissal papers*
Bors: *cries* He was me mate, and now he's dead, and that paper don't make him free. *drops the scroll at the Bishop's feet*
Galahad: Bastard *does the same*
Gawain: Cock sucker *takes the pretty box*
Not Sean Connary: Well that went well.

Scene 17: On the North side of Great Wall of Britain
Not Marlon Brando: In a war there are many moments for compassion and tender action.
Uppity Son: Dad, WRONG MOVIE.
Not Marlon Brando: Um, right. What's going on?
Uppity Son: The Romans are leaving the wall. The land is ours.
Not Marlon Brando: Excellent. Wait, there's a man up there, who is he?
Uppity Son: Oh, um, that's, um, Arthur.
Not Marlon Brando: eeeeeeeeexcellent. I shall speak with him.
British Spy for the Saxons: This is the way the fucking world ends!
Not Marlon Brando: *grabs the spy* Oh, and you're coming with me.

Scene 18: On the road South from the Wall
Bors: I guess we could have stayed...
Not Prince: Naaah, it's better this way. Arthur can handle himself.
Galahad: Right, and I have these plans. Big plans in fact. FOr my life. I don't want to die.
Gawain: Too true. Gotta marry me a home grown girl.
Bors: Yeah, but look at him up there on the hill in all his armor....
Not Oded Ferh: Don't worry about it.
*horses go crazy*
Not Prince: Oh shit...so this is what Dad meant all those years ago...
Gawain: What?
Not Prince: Never mind. Common guys, let's be valiant.
Bors: YAY!
Knights: *sighs*

Scene 19: North Side of the Great Wall of Britain
Not Marlon Brando: Did they say why, Arthur, why they want to terminate my command?
Not Russell Crowe: I was sent on a classified mission, sir.
Not Marlon Brando: It's no longer classified, is it? Did they tell you?
Not Russell Crowe: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Not Marlon Brando: Are my methods unsound?
Not Russell Crowe: I don't see any method at all.
Not Marlon Brando: I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin?
Not Russell Crowe: I'm a Knight.
Not Marlon Brando: You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
Audience: WRONG MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 20: South side of the Great Wall of Britain
Saxons: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE! Hey, the grass IS greener!
Fog: *fogs*
Saxons: Um, CHARGE?
Fog: *fogs some more*
Saxons: charge?
Woads: WE KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL YOU!
Knights: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

*big fight scene. People die. Blood and dirt up in the air. It's wonderful.*

Not Kate Winslet: Die you Uppity Son!
Women in Audience: Yay! A strong woman is going to kill the villain herself!
Not Prince: I'll save you Guinevere!
Women in Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Uppity Son: I KEEL YOU! *shoots arrow at Lancelot*
Not Prince: BASTARD! *throws sword at son*

*more fighting and people dying*

Not Oded Fehr: Hey bad guy who's never given a name! It's time to die! *clash of swords*
Not Marlon Brando: I worry that my son might not understand what I've tried to be. *clash of swords*
Not Oded Fehr: WRONG FUCKING MOVIE! YOU DIE NOW!
Not Marlon Brando: I think not *kills him*
Not Russell Crowe: You killed Tristan, YOU BASTARD!
Not Marlon Brando: Bring it on bitch. *they fight, Arthur wins*
Not Marlon Brando: Oh the horror....the horror...

Scene 21: On a Cliff
Merlin: Yay for you Arthur, you killed the bad guy. Britain is yours. What are you gonna do next?
Not Russell Crowe: I'm going to marry Guinevere 'cause we had hot steamy sex in the tent halfway through the movie!
Merlin: Really?
Not Russell Crowe: Yeah, but it wasn't that memorable.
Merlin: Okay, well, you guys are married now.
Not Kate Winslet: ROCK!
Merlin: And now you're King Arthur.
Not Russell Crowe: Yes! And now Britain is united by one goal!
Everybody: FUCK OVER ROME!

Epilogue: A Kitchen Table
GM: Great game everybody!
Kids: Thanks!
GM: You all did really well. Beth - I'm giving you an extra 20 points for how you handled your elf princess
Beth: She's a WOAD!
GM: Don't argue with me. And John - you get 30 points for playing up the leader of the orcs.
John: *mutters* saxons...
GM: I heard that! And everybody else, shall we meet back here next Saturday?
Kids: Yeah!
GM: Great, and nobody forget their dice!
 
 
 
 
 
 
Meg, you ought to do this for all new movies you see. You definitely have a flair for making me spit out whatever I'm drinking whilst reading. For example, I was doing fine until:

"Not Marlon Brando: I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor..."

The placement of that, combined with my intimate knowledge of Apocalypse Now caused his exact voice to echo that line in my head.

::Cue spitting out the mineral water I was drinking in a fit of laughter:: ::Literally::

After wiping off the water on my keyboard, I continued on. I was doing just fine until:

"Not Prince: I just don't trust a God that makes you get on your knees...
Not Russell Crowe:...but...but that's the best part..."

Thankfully, I did not have liquid in my mouth at this time...

You almost had me again with "Not Prince: Damn Arthur, God's teh kink!," but thankfully I was able to retain the mouthful of mineral water. It lead to some interesting spasms in my throat and I think some water went down the wrong tube. It took me a bit to recover from that...

Now, when I first read "Not Marlon Brando: Did they say why, Arthur, why they want to terminate my command?" I didn't catch the reference, and I was PISSED that you didn't keep up with the Apocalypse Now bit. However, the fact that the ensuing conversation was just that...Damn. This is great.

I'm typing this as I read your post, by the way..."Not Marlon Brando: Oh the horror....the horror..." brings back memories of Fiction Writing...Ah, Bowl of Darkness...my greatest accomplishment stemming from our time at Luna's...

Ok, your bit at the end is amusing...but please tell me that they don't end the movie with a D&D session...please please please tell me you added it for humor!

I wish more movie reviews were done in this vein. I wasn't really planning on seeing this movie before reading this, but now I want to. Not because I care if it's good or not, it's got swords and fog and shit, so it's got to have *some* merit. Rather, I want to see it because throughout the movie I'll have your commentary running in the back of my head (though I fear I might start laughing at inappropriate times, if that is indeed the case...). Great review, and a great piece of writing.

Ok, I'm going to try to get some more sleep, just as soon as I can get Marlon Brando out of my head.

"Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind." Hahaha, I finally caught the dialetic physics quote. This has made my day!

This...is quite awesome.

-steelbuddha
I just saw the movie tonight. Good job! I laugh a lot now. HAHAHAHAHA