Megmander (fantom07) wrote,

Mysteries of the World Revealed

While cleaning my apt today I stumbled across a beat up little paperback book I didn't recognize. Now while I do have a billion books, and about 90% of them are paperbacks, I do know which books I have. This one I know I've never seen before. It had been cleverly hidden underneath the green chair in the living room. Just from reading the title I now have solved two mysteries that have plagued human kind for centuries.

1) Cats understand english
2) They go out of their way to fuck with our minds.

The title of the beat up paperback is "How to Fuck With The Minds of your 'Owners."

I am not kidding.

I don't know if this is a common handbook among felines. I also don't know how come I stumbled across it. I mean - I never saw it back in my old place and I certainly never saw it during the move. Maybe Sasha has gotten lax as of late. Either that or he's been hitting my liquor cabinet while I've been out. Who knows, it could be the catnip.

Anyways, I scanned the book and recognized some of the tactics. My favorite came up in the chapter "Fun with Feeding Time" (I also noticed that cats have no ability whatsoever to come up with creative title names. Some titles include "The Joy of Barf," "Kitty-Litter: More than just a place to poop," and "How to Stare"). In this chapter it explained how to corral your "owner" (all instances of this word are in quotes throughout the book) to your full food dish and complain LOUDLY about how it's empty. It suggested doing this up to six times a day.

When I finally confronted Sasha about "Cat Club" (which is what I now refer to the book as) he did his best job of holding up to rule one which is "You do not talk about Cat Club." He even did a good job at rule two which is "You do not talk about Cat Club." I told him that I know full well he can understand me. He stared back at me (which was explained in chapter 2). I told him that I knew he was doing this just to mess with me. He stared back again - only deeper (which was explained in a sub section of chapter 2 - how to stare BETTER).

So I don't know. He's now sitting next to me and trying to get me to stop typing this entry. I may have stumbled onto something that is known only in the cat world. The fact that I know about it means I may have signed my death warrant. If you guys don't hear from me tomorrow know that Sasha and friends have probably worked on chapter 10 "Stealing Breath and Souls: Mythology or Fact?"
Tags: humor
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