Wonderful! Well, today we're going to have a GREAT lesson on how to write resumes!
Did everybody bring a copy of their most current resumes?
kids: We sure did Sister Mary Fun Time!
Great! Gold stars for everybody! Okay Johnny, why don't you show all of us your resume.
Johnny: Here it is Sister Mary Fun Time! As you can see, I used bullet points through out the whole body! It makes it look professional!
BAD JOHNNY BAD! YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE CHILD! GIVE ME BACK YOUR GOLD STAR! Bullet points, while good for highlighting your most important skills or facts SHOULD NEVER EVER BE USED AS THE BODY OF YOUR RESUME! The whole goal is to make them stand out while someone is reading it, if you use only bullets your potential employer will just skim it like the rest. NO JOB FOR YOU! *ahem* Alright little Susan, why don't you show us yours?
Susan: Mine shows all the jobs I have had over the past 6 years starting with my most recent!
That's nice Susan, but some of these jobs you listed have absolutely nothing to do with the job you are applying for. While they show that you've worked they are also taking up space. Condense it a bit. And oh, what's this? SUSAN! HOW COULD YOU!!!! ALL OF YOUR WRITING MUST BE IN PAST TENSE!! YOU'RE ALL OVER THE BOARD! FUTURE PAST AND PRESENT! YOU ARE GOING TO HELL FOR THIS ONE SUSAN! IT'S A MORTAL SIN! *cough* Okay, Billy, why don't you share your resume?
Billy: Um...I was running a bit late today so I just printed it off and I didn't *mumble mumble*
Billy, what was that? Please speak up!
Billy: I...didn't proof read it...
Oh Billy, Billy, Billy...*sighs* I didn't want to do this...*pulls out the ruler of supreme authority* YOU NASTY LITTLE CHILD! NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE YOU IF YOU HAVE BLATANT SPELLING OR GRAMATICAL ERRORS IN YOUR RESUME! PUNCTUATION IS KEY! *whack whack whack with the ruler of supreme authority* I hope you like standing in the unemployment line you little runt!
Billy: But English isn’t my native language!!
That’s no excuse! There is always someone who would be willing to help you proof read your resume! AND MOST WORD PROCESSORS HAVE GRAMMAR CHECK AS WELL!!! SHAME ON YOU BILLY! YOU MAKE BABY JESUS CRY!
So Children, today we have learned some valuable lessons on how to write resumes and things to avoid. Potential employers do look at these things. They read many many many resumes every day and if yours sucks big hairy goat balls, do you think they are going to hire you?
Kids: no Sister…
What was that?
Kids: no Sister Mary Fun Time.
That’s that I thought.